By now everyone has had the experience of “How are you?”

We say it as a greeting, a salutation, and a general sign of recognition. We say it to grocery clerks, people in elevators, people we’ve gone long periods without seeing, service staff, and the like. We never actually expect (or honestly desire) a response. We don’t even wait for a response in most cases. When asked the question ourselves we commonly respond with “fine” or “good, thanks”. In the case of those who avoid like myself we might answer the question with a question and quip back “How are you?!” I always emphasize the “you” to take the focus off of myself. That’s especially true when I’m having a bad day and don’t want to answer authentically.

Sometimes, on rare occasions, someone gives an actual response. Weird! I know right?!

On the off chance someone actually answers, we are so conditioned we respond without hearing or processing what they said. I’ve thought about answering that question honestly many times as a social experiment but even I am not ready to receive the outcome. I’d be faced with the data analysis of how disconnected we are as a society. For now, I play along with niceties and social norms.

What I’m starting to notice at an increasing rate, at least in my life, is that “I love you” is the new social norm. Instead of it being a greeting though, it’s a farewell. It’s the end of a call. It’s a hug goodbye. It’s the expression of goodwill. It’s a signing off. It’s a signature.

I’m not sure when but “I love you” seems to have lost some of its luster. I remember the first time I said it to a boy. I remember the first time a boy said it to me. I remember hearing my dad say it to me as a child and how special it made me feel. I remember learning what it meant to be loved by God. Love used to have a meaning. It had some oomph!

It came with a feeling in my body. It was something I talked about. It came with action. It came with responsibility. It was intentional.

The Bible says if you love Him you’ll keep His commandments. That means in loving God you’re aligned to His design. You’re trusting His word and acting accordingly.

Most people, even outside of Christianity, have seen or heard the scriptures from Corinthians. I Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Admittedly, I too am now finding myself guilty of saying I love you as an auto reply. Reply all, in fact! Someone says it to me and I am compelled to say it back. Like “Have a nice day”, I immediately say “You too!” I’m not saying these people don’t have a place in my heart and I don’t value, cherish, and care for them. But are we expressing ourselves properly? Semantics? Maybe.

There have been many times in my life where I’ve gone against the grain. I’m not typically one to buy into social norms. It’s only now that I realize that I’ve bought into something I can’t back out of and I don’t actually believe to be an adequate expression of truth.

When someone says they love me I’m starting to wonder what that means.

When we say “I love you” to one another are we talking about the same thing?

At the risk of succumbing to the extreme level of vulnerability I’m feeling while writing this I will share something I’ve only said out loud once… A little overdue over-exposure. It’s the fundamental belief system that led me to ask this question in the first place…

I don’t believe that human beings have the capacity to love unconditionally. I believe that only God’s love is unconditional.

At times when I’m feeling unloved I rest in knowing that to be true about love.

Where does that leave me in relationship to others on planet earth some might ask? Who can I run to when I need love (Yes, I needed an excuse to quote a song lyric here – thank you Xscape!)

But in all seriousness… Let’s look at this. The love of a mother to a child is innate. In nature we can see this principle throughout most species. A mother’s love is vast and immeasurable by man’s account. Mothers, and let’s say parents in general, have the greatest capacity for love in this sense. Yet, I’ve experienced conditional love from both of my parents. How can this be? It’s no slight to them. It’s a keen observation. I will honor them for all of my days. I know that they love me. But I also know that their love is not without conditions.

Let’s look at romantic love. I think we could consider marital love to be second to parental. Most parents love children in different ways and at greater levels than spouses love one another. But in a loving marital relationship there is a bond of best friends. Two people see each other and choose each other come what may.

I haven’t experienced either yet, but for the sake of argument let’s agree that these are examples of the highest forms of human love. If we subscribe to that, then every person will love us only the way they know how, based on our relationship, to the level of their ability. And with condition.

Regardless of the context and whether or not you share in my beliefs, “I love you” has lost some meaning. Take a close look and you will see. I am willing to admit that is the case for me. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love. I absolutely do. Furthermore, I believe that when people say they love me that they do in fact. To some extent.

However, I’d like to start exploring what that means.

Next time someone says “I love you” to me, I’d like to respond. You mean the kind of love that always protects, trusts, and perseveres? Hmmm… then we have a problem.

Always is a certain condition. The KJV of the Bible uses the word all in that same passage. Both words are designation of an absolute. In absolutes there is no room for doubt. No exceptions. It’s true 100% of the time. Yet, in our relationships – parental, romantic, familial, and otherwise, there has been the existence and evidence of one or all those lacking at some point.

We’re pretty good at understanding the patient and kind. Sometimes we stop there. Wouldn’t it be nice if no one kept a record of our wrongs though? How grand would that be?! If you’ve ever repeated the same fight with someone who loves you, you might ask the question. Do they love me unconditionally? Is it possible?

I know people who are easily angered. We all do. In some instances, on rare occasions, if the conditions are just right, that even applies to me. And when that arises in a relationship where is the love?

It could be that we don’t understand what love means. It could be that we have attached our own meanings over time like the latest fashion trends.

How do I cope with conditional love?

In a world of auto pilot, auto text, and auto repeat I more often find myself disconnected. Sometimes I even find that I’m not allowing myself to be in loving relationships because of the conditions. In many ways I feel that I am missing something. I say the words. Yet in my solitude they seem to become lost in translation. The actions of love in my life are limited by conditions of the environment.

Do I rest in that? Knowing that people will only love me to the capacity in which they are capable. Knowing that we are imperfect humans and we do what we learn? Can we learn love? Can love cast out and cover the multitude of sins between mankind? Is love enough?

When you say you love me, what do you really mean?

Can I answer openly and honestly and still be a normal functioning member of society?

Is “I love you” the new “How are you”?

If so, what would happen if my auto reply became “fine”?